Dumbass
by Obi the Kid
Summary: A Yappy Obi story! Qui-Gon has a moment of stupidity and Obi-Wan attempts to help him out of it.


**Title:** Dumbass

**Author:** Obi the Kid

**Rating:** PG

**Summary:** A Yappy Obi story! Qui-Gon has a moment of stupidity and Obi-Wan attempts to help him out of it.

* * *

Obi: Hi Master. Master Bren told me to tell you that you are a dumbass. Bye!

Qui: Huh? What? Get back here, Obi-Wan.

Obi: No, I can't…Master, stop! That's not fair using the Force to yank me back into the room. Ouch! Lemme go!

Qui: No until you explain yourself.

Obi: Do you really want me to explain myself?

Qui: Well, no, not really. That might take several hours and I still wouldn't understand at the end of it. Why did Bren call me that?

Obi: Do you remember last night?

Qui: Do I have to?

Obi: Can you?

Qui: I was weak, all right? You had torn me down and beat me to Sith's Hell. I couldn't take it anymore. I was bested by a thirteen year old child. There, happy?

Obi: Hence the title of Dumbass. It's not my bed you puked all over. It's not me who had to clean the puke out of your beard and hair. All slimy and chunky and green and…

Qui: Enough! I remember. Now why are you here?

Obi: To relay the dumbass message to you. Master Bren would have done it herself, but she's busy sterilizing her apartment. You are nasty, Master. And you shouldn't drink. At least you shouldn't drink that many drinks in a twenty minute window.

Qui: It wasn't twenty minutes. It was several hours.

Obi: But you were only gone for twenty minutes, then you came staggering back here and calling me Obeeeee-Waaaaaaaaaand and twirling your hair with your fingers – that was weird – and threatening to shave my head to look like Master Mace if I didn't stop the room from spinning. You were whacked out, Master.

Qui: Whacked out?

Obi: Yes. And then you began the puke fest.

Qui: Please stop talking about it.

Obi: About what?

Qui: My vomiting ability.

Obi: Oh, I get it. You might upchuck again if I keep saying how nasty it was, slimy and chunky and green and…

Qui: That shave-your-head threat still applies, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Do you really want a bald version of me?

Qui: I suppose not. You'd look funny and then people would look at me funny and talk about me behind my back and well, I have a reputation to protect as you know.

Obi: I guess so. I hope none of those other Jedi who saw you crawling down the hallway and swatting at tiny little invisible Sith last night know about your reputation. They might think oddly of you already.

Qui: I didn't do that.

Obi: You did. I have the holo on my data-pad. Want to see?

Qui: Erase it.

Obi: Why?

Qui: Because I said so and I am your master.

Obi: Master Bren says that I should be taken away from you so don't transfer your dumbassery to me.

Qui: That's not a word, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Master Bren says it is. You don't think I should be taken away from you, do you, Master?

Qui: Depends on when you ask me that question.

Obi: I'm asking now.

Qui: Well, don't.

Obi: You want some breakfast? There are pala cakes at the cafeteria.

Qui: No food.

Obi: You should get out of bed, Master. You look like crap and you stink and you still have little chunks of green stuff in your beard that Master Bren gave up on.

Qui: I like my bed today and if you don't like the smell, leave.

Obi: You're grumpy when you're hung over. Remind me to never get drunk.

Qui: I don't think that would be possible. It would probably only make you more yappy. My yappy padawan. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yappy Obi-Wan. Yappy Obi. Ha! That's funny. Isn't that funny, Obi-Wan? I could just call you YO. Save all those extra syllables for something else. You have a long name and what's with the hyphen? And it rhymes too. Obeeeeeeeee Kenobeeeeeeeeeee.

Obi: Uh, Master?

Qui: Obeeee!

Obi: You're delirious. Are you still drunk? Did you drink more this morning?

Qui: Who me? Nah. Oh, whoops. Don't look under the bed.

Obi: Master! You're drinking that blue stuff again? What's it called?

Qui: Blue Stuff.

Obi: Right. You can't drink that anymore. Give me the bottle.

Qui: Nope. Can't catch me! I'm outta bed and got my bottle and gonna run from you, Yappy Boy.

Obi: This isn't right. Master! When did I become the normal one? I don't like this. It's unnatural. Stop being drunk so we can go back to us.

Qui: Ha, ha, gotcha, you tiny little Sith. Hey, come back here!

Obi: Master, get off the floor. That's not a tiny little Sith, it's a rock.

Qui: Don't be silly, why would there be rocks in the apartment?

Obi: You were throwing them at me the other day and telling me to use the Force to dodge them or push them away. I got welts all over my face and neck. See these red marks?

Qui: Then you shoulda dodged and ducked better, huh?

Obi: You train me weird.

Qui: You learn what I train weirder.

Obi: That makes no sense, Master. Now, give me the bottle before I call Master Bren.

Qui: You said she's sterilizing her apartment. She won't help you, Obit-Wound. She's not your only hope.

Obi: No, I'm her only hope, no wait. That sounds familiar. Master Bren doesn't ever wear pastries on her head, does she?

Qui: Only if she and I are alone and…

Obi: Master, please! No adult mush talk. Sith, you are nasty!

Qui: I am not a Sith!

Obi: I didn't say you were.

Qui: Did too.

Obi: Did not.

Qui: Did too.

Obi: Did not.

Qui: Did too.

Obi: Did…wait.

Qui: No wait. I had a comeback for your "did not" line.

Obi: You did not.

Qui: I did too.

Obi: You did not.

Qui: I did too.

Obi: Master, stop it! What the hell is wrong with you?

Qui: Watch your mouth, Ober-Win.

Obi: Why are you drinking?

Qui: This is some good crap!

Obi: And you just noticed that now?

Qui: Well, no. I knew about it for a long time. Just never felt the need to indulge. Too bad. Look what I've been missin' out on! Woo! Another drink for me!

Obi: Something happened that made you start drinking. You met with the Council yesterday and it happened after that. Did you eat those mush patties that Master Yoda insists on flinging around the room when other masters are speaking?

Qui: You said mush.

Obi: I did.

Qui: You said it without actin' stupid.

Obi: Because you own the farm on stupid right now, Master. You ate one, didn't you?

Qui: Welllllllll, maybe one. Or three. Or eight.

Obi: Master!

Qui: I told you, they were GOOD, Obin-Wind.

Obi: If you're a troll, yes. They are bad for humans though and they make people high and make them crave blue ale. And they turn people into idiots. You were the one to tell _me_ that. And that's what you are, Master.

Qui: M'not a troll, Oba-Worm.

Obi: No, you're an idiot.

Qui: Hey! Respect your master!

Obi: What's my name?

Qui: What?

Obi: If you can say my name right, I'll respect you and leave you alone.

Qui: Hah! Simpleton.

Obi: Waiting…

Qui: Obeee.

Obi: That's not my whole name.

Qui: Obeee-Nun Knowbee.

Obi: Wrong. You lose. No respect for you. I'm calling Master Bren. She's probably done sterilizing by now and I'm sure she'd like to beat you into tomorrow at some point before the day is over.

Qui: Ober-Run Quinobee?

Obi: Hello, Master Bren? This is Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Qui: Ha ha! Got it. Obeee-Non Kundrobee!

Obi: He's drunk. Can you come kick his butt? Okay, thanks. She's on her way, Master. You're in trouble now.

Qui: Uber-Fun Chackobee? Otter-Wund Renobee? Obi-Wander Flobee?

Bren: Hey, kid. Where's the dumbass?

Obi: Walking in circles in his bedroom trying to remember my name. He was drinking that blue stuff this morning. Again. I found out though why. He ate Mater Yoda's mush patties in the Council meeting yesterday and it made him loony and craving blue ale.

Bren: Dumbass.

Obi: Once he sobers up, he'll be okay, I think.

Bren: Did you take holos for blackmail purposes?

Obi: You know it.

Bren: I've trained you well, my young padawan who is not mine to train.

Obi: Should we go in?

Bren: Not you, kid. Just me. I'll take care of this.

Bren: All done. Qui-Gon will be out in a moment, dressed for the day, hair combed, and no more chunks in the beard. Might take him a couple hours to sober up completely, but just take him to the gym and whack him a few times in the knees with your lightsaber.

Obi: I do that anyway. What did you do to him?

Bren: Threatened him.

Obi: Um…please don't tell me this involved adult mush, because after the last eight hours of my life, I really can't handle…

Bren: Relax, kid. It was none of that. I just made him feel bad about himself.

Obi: How bad?

Bren: Really bad.

Obi: Pitiful?

Bren: Yup.

Obi: Wow. You have power.

Bren: I do. I'm a woman, remember?

Obi: I know, and my master said I couldn't be a woman, so I could never have such power.

Bren: That was the wise version of your master who said that. You'll see _him_ again in about three hours. Here comes the other version of him now, however.

Obi: Hi, Master.

Qui: Hello, Obi-W…

Obi: Wan.

Qui: Right. Got it. I apologize for my behavior, O…b…

Obi: Obi-Wan.

Qui: Right. Bren said you would like to go to the gym with me and whack at my knees with your lightsaber?

Obi: I sure would!

Qui: Splendid. I do enjoy bloody knees.

Obi: That workout was great, Master. And look, I only made one of your knees bleed today.

Qui: Impressive, Obi-Wan.

Obi: I like that you can remember who I am now.

Qui: As do I.

Obi: No more mush patties, right?

Qui: No more.

Bren: Hello, boys. How's my favorite kid and my favorite dumbass?

Qui: Can you please stop calling me that?

Bren: Are you done with acting like one?

Qui: I am.

Bren: Do you admit to being one?

Qui: I do.

Bren: Will you strive to never be one again?

Qui: Can I have a pass on that until after Obi-Wan passes his trials?

Bren: You may not.

Obi: Remember, Master? That's when I'm twenty-five and you dump me for that Chosen One kid. You go all high and mighty on the Council and claim that I'm ready for my trials, but I know it's only so you can dump me for that kid who, after I'm old and desert-bound, can only engage in girly fights. It's so unfair.

Qui: What?

Obi: I know I've told this story a million times, Master. Do you ever listen to the words that come out of my mouth?

Qui: I do my best not to. There are so many of them.

Obi: Okay, short version. Me. Obi. Twenty-Five. You. Master. A lot older than that. You give me up for a kid who is gonna kill me. But only after you die. Well, long after, but it's still after, so it counts. Did you know Sith have double-sided lightsabers? Normally that would be a pretty cool thing, especially when he's all somersaulting and flipping around like a tattooed mad man and then STAB! There you go…

Bren: Kid! Enough. What happened to the short version?

Obi: It got extended. I got carried away.

Qui: Focus, Padawan. I need you here in the present. You are thirteen. I don't care about twenty-whatever.

Obi: Right. You need help to stop being a dumbass.

Bren: He does.

Obi: I can help!

Qui: I don't even want to know why. Can you just walk me to the healers please so I can get my knee bandaged…again?

Obi: You should get frequent flyer miles from that place, Master.

Qui: What?

Obi: Nothing. Come on, I'll help you. Lean on me, Master.

Qui: You're too short, I'll crush you. Although, on second thought…

Bren: Qui-Gon, be nice. He is trying to help and he did try and stop you from continuing your dumbassery earlier.

Qui: You know, that is still not a word.

Obi: It is now, Master. And you can claim its origin! That's not as cool as the double-sided Sith lightsaber deal, but it's still up there.

Qui: I'm glad you think so, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Hey! You got my name right!

Qui: Huh. I did, didn't I?

Obi: Welcome back, Master!

Qui: No more dumbass?

Obi: No more dumbass.

Bren: Well then, boys, thus ends another asinine moment of your asinine lives. Congratulations! Off to the healers we go!

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The End


End file.
